I'm still here!

Hello again!

Don't worry, I'm still here. I haven't forgotten about you or about writing. As most of you know, I haven't written a blog/bless&declare in almost a month.  I have been doing all of that wrestling that I told you about. So today I would like to catch you up on what has happened in just the few short weeks that I've been MIA. It's a bit long, but it really is worth your time. 

Let's start with the wrestling. And a lot of vulnerability. 

When my family came back from Disney World, I sent everyone back to school and sat down to lay out my next couple of weeks on my calendar. And I was hit with a big nothing to write on it. Now that wouldn't have been such a bad thing, other than I had been spending a full year trying to gain momentum and market my book that was released in October of 2014. Now, I'm pleased with the number of copies that are in circulation (right at 2800) but the deeper desires I had in my heart were still untouched. The things that I had hoped for the book to produce were not manifesting in any way, shape, or form.

So I got angry. Really angry. I had poured myself into a project and I had hopes and expectations on it. And when I slowed down enough to realize that deep down I felt like I was spinning my wheels in the sand, I was MAD! Have you ever been there? It's not a fun feeling. 

This mad came with disappointment and bitterness and just a lot of ugly stuff. I was wrestling.

About a week into this, the Lord graciously had me at a teaching by Stacey Campbell. She was talking about the year of rest. It was just finishing up, and we were about to enter the year of Jubilee. The first softening of my heart happened when I wondered, "Was God keeping in a place of rest this year so that I could truly launch into what I want to do? (I love times and seasons, and I regularly look at and study the Hebrew calendar. In the middle of September is when we shifted from one Jewish year to another.)

This softening had me ready to hear what Jesus had to say. Because truthfully, I was so angry at him, and fighting shame about myself, that I just didn't have the capacity to talk to Him.

It was then, when I was sitting in my children's awesome clubhouse, crying ... literally ... that I heard Him gently tell my heart that it was ok to wrestle with HIm. He actually gave me permission to struggle. But, He instructed me to wrestle like Jacob did ... not letting go until I found blessing. 

Again my heart softened. At first I wrestled trying to convince Jesus that I indeed need to be blessed. But as I sat in this place for a few days, I began to trust that He does indeed have good things for me and that He desires to bless me more than I want it.

I know much of the revelation I was having sounds basic and simple, even foundational. But when you are raw and wrestling, the "right" answer produces no fruit. I wanted--needed an experience from the Lord.

During this time of wrestling, I had the grand idea to get a course focused on online marketing. At my core, I am a realist. And part of my frustration in this season has been with myself and my inability to do what I wanted. Luckily, I recognized my need to go to an expert, so I approached my husband about the course. Not to my surprise, but to my fear, he said Yes!

Sometimes the very thing you want and need scares you. I think deep down I was hoping he would say that now wasn't the time. Then I would have an excuse to stay in pity and inaction. Yucky, but truthful.

So I started the course, having no idea how I was going to use it, but I knew that there was momentum in this place. When you feel stuck, the best thing for you to do is to put yourself in a place of movement. Find it. Seek it out. It will get your creative juices flowing again, and pull you out of the mud.

As soon as I started, I began to think bigger. And dream again. And one night, I had a vision, a very powerful one, of me interviewing CEO's/entrepreneurs/thought leaders.

It stirred something very deep in me. 

Last year, when I launched my website, it was launched as taiann.tv. Partly because .com was a spicy noodle factory in Thailand, and partly because one of my mentors and I felt it was prophetic that I would have video as part of my brand eventually. 

So I sat on it. It took me a full day before I could even talk about it. It felt big and scary, yet close and right ... all at the same time. This was part one of my realization.

So part two of where I am now standing started August a year ago. My youngest daughter had been gripping about how her siblings always got to push the elevator buttons and how she didn't. So on the first day of school, just she and I went to the tallest building in our town, and we pushed every button and got off on every floor. On one floor, there was a beautiful staircase. It was connecting the 12th and 13th floors. It was a private staircase just for that office. I remember looking out the view and mentioning to the Lord that I would like to have it as an office if we had a huge company someday. I'm sure it was a several thousand square foot space.

Skip ahead to this August, and we were riding the elevators again. I tried to find the spot where the beautiful staircase was with no luck. But now there was this 500 square foot space with 6 huge windows overlooking our quaint downtown. They had taken the stairs out, and folded them into the foundation, to separate the space into multiple offices. I stored the info away and went on with my day.

Fast forward to the online course and it awakening me to dream again. Suddenly, one Friday, I wanted to take Paul up there to see it. You know... just cause! As soon as he saw it, he encouraged me to check into the space. Sure enough it was available.

On the following Tuesday, I take one of my best friends up there to see if the space would be good to film video. She is a photographer/videographer. As soon as she stepped foot in the room, she had a funny look on her face. She reminded me of a dream she had had a bit back, and said that I walked her into her dream! We both felt something was going on. Something bigger than us.

After prayer, talking through things, and doing some more wrestling, we decided to move forward and share the space.

After we already had peace, this ugly thing called fear raised it's head. I began to be afraid of disappointment again. So I went up to the space to pray. While there, this is what I saw!

Yup! A rainbow of promise. And then to top it off, I went home and was listening to a teaching from one of my favorite teachers. He began to talk about Abraham and how he went to a certain place that he did not know. He talked about how the breakthrough we are looking for is sometimes on getting to the right place. There were so many confirmations in it that I was stunned.

Then while driving to pick up my kids, the Lord brought me back to Jacob. Directly after he wrestled, he laid his head down on a rock and had the dream of the angels ascending and descending on the stairs/ladder to heaven. The Lord then sweetly told me that he brought me to the only space in town that was directly build on a staircase!

So, I have been faithful to wrestle, faithful to move and dream, and He is literally planting me where a staircase is in the foundation of my feet. It was such  sweet picture.

So I am moving forward. My friend and I are moving into our space January 1. She has offered to film my videos, and I am going to do what I have seen.

So you may be wondering what I'm chasing. That has been vague so far.  But.... this post is too long already. So you will have to wait for the next email. In the meantime, Here is a bless and declare and a picture of me in my little piece of promise.

How cool is it that we are able to speak directly over the economic hub of our city. There will be lots of blessings and declarations going out from this space!

Remember to speak these out loud over yourself! Use your words to fashion your world!Bless

__________, I bless you in the  name of Jesus. I bless you with strength to ask the tough questions that are in your heart. I bless you to be willing to wrestle with God, and to be wise enough to recognize His desire to bless you while you do. I bless you with encounters that steady your feet and bless your heart. I bless you to dream again.

Declare

I declare that I am seen by God. I declare that I am His child, walking in His love and goodness. I declare that I will adamantly move forward in the things in my heart. I will stop doubting, and start doing. I will recognize His leading and I will follow. I am full of momentum!